Save Me

Dear Uncle Gary,

I need your wisdom before I accidentally end up on an HR poster titled “What Not to Do at Work.”

I’m happily married, ten years together, two years officially hitched, two kids, and zero interest in extracurricular activities. But apparently, the moment some women at my job heard the words “I’m married,” they treated it like an activation phrase.

Suddenly, I’m the office forbidden fruit. "You know what I mean."

One cowor, er slid her hand onto my upper inner thigh like she was checking the ripeness of produce. Another wrapped her fingers around my mustache like she was trying to summon a genie. First of all, that is disgusting. Second, the only person allowed to touch my face is my wife, and even she knows to ask the mustache nicely.

Then coworker number three invited me to her apartment for “fun.” Sir, the only fun I have these days is trying to keep my toddler from flushing LEGOs down the toilet.

My male coworkers say I should be flattered. Absolutely not. It’s disrespectful to me, my wife, and my peace of mind. Even HR got in on it, the manager started calling me “the babe magnet.” I snapped and yelled at one of them to leave me alone…and somehow I’m the one who got written up.

To make things even better, they fired the HR department and replaced them with an HR chatbot that couldn’t solve a sandwich order, let alone harassment.

Uncle Gary, how do I survive this circus while keeping my marriage intact, my dignity in place, and my mustache untouched?

Signed, Please Save me,

Dear Please Save Me,

Let’s get something straight right away: you’re not imagining this, you’re not overreacting, and no one should be treating your thigh or your mustache like a public demonstration zone. What you’re facing is a workplace that’s lost all sense of basic boundaries.

Now, let’s slow things down. This is the kind of situation where the calm, steady voice would say, “This needs to stop,” while the sharper voice in your head mutters, “How did adults get this confused about personal space?”

You’re doing the right thing by protecting your marriage and your sanity. That alone puts you ahead of the chaos swirling around you. But you also deserve real support, not a malfunctioning HR chatbot that couldn’t manage a lunch order.

Here’s how you protect yourself:

1. Document everything. Every comment, every grabby moment, every “come over for fun” invitation. Dates, times, witnesses. The whole timeline. When the workplace is asleep at the wheel, your notes become your shield.

2. Use the actual hotlines that exist for situations exactly like this. You’re allowed to get outside guidance. In fact, in your scenario, it’s smart.

• EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission)Toll-free: 1-800-669-4000They can explain your rights and how to file a harassment or discrimination complaint.

• U.S. Department of Labor1-866-4-USA-DOL (1-866-487-2365)For questions about workplace rights, labor laws, retaliation, and employer obligations.

• OSHA1-800-321-OSHA (6742)For unsafe work environments—which includes boundary-violating nonsense.

These are actual humans who understand federal law, not a glitchy bot pretending to run HR.

3. Set boundaries with calm, simple clarity. You don’t need anger. You need firmness.

Try:“I’ve asked you to stop. This behavior is inappropriate and unwelcome. Any further incidents will be reported.”

Short. Direct. No openings for debate.

4. Ignore anyone telling you to feel flattered. Being harassed isn’t a compliment. It’s a mess waiting to happen. People who encourage you to enjoy it aren’t offering advice, they’re revealing their own low standards.

5. Guard the mustache. If someone reaches for it without permission, that’s not playful. That’s an alert. There are unwritten rules in life, and “don’t touch another person’s facial hair” is one of them.

6. Hold your ground. You’re showing integrity in a space that clearly isn’t. That’s not weakness. That’s clarity. You know who you are, what you value, and what you refuse to tolerate.

You’re not the problem. You’re the only person in that environment acting like a grown adult.

Use the hotlines. Document everything. Escalate above the chatbot. And keep your boundaries, and your mustache intact.

Smart people seek wisdom, not approval.

Regards, Uncle Gary