What do most people misunderstand about getting older?

Dear Uncle Gary,

What do most people misunderstand about getting older, and what do you wish you had understood sooner?

Just turned 40

Dear Just turned 40,

Most young people think that getting older is a decline. It isn’t. It’s a refinement.

We’re sold a narrative that aging means becoming less relevant, less desirable, less capable. In reality, what diminishes is tolerance for nonsense, for misaligned relationships, for chasing approval.

In 2018, I was diagnosed with lymphoma. Throughout 2019, I underwent chemotherapy. What emerged from that experience was a heightened sense of discernment. You stop mistaking intensity for meaning, or busyness for purpose. From the outside, that shift can look like “slowing down,” but in reality, it is precision, allowing relationships that deplete you to fall away, while intentionally nurturing those that genuinely enrich your life.

What I wish I had understood sooner is that you don’t age into wisdom automatically; you choose it. You have to be deliberate with your choices. Experience alone doesn’t make you wiser; reflection does. I spent years thinking resilience meant pushing through everything. It took time to learn that real strength is knowing when to pivot, when to rest, and when to walk away without explaining yourself.

I also wish I had known that reinvention isn’t a crisis response; it’s a lifelong skill. You don’t wait until something breaks to evolve. You’re allowed to outgrow versions of yourself that once worked beautifully.

Getting older doesn’t shrink your world. It edits it. What remains, if you’ve done it right, is truer, calmer, and far more powerful than what you started with.

Regards, Uncle Gary