I need clarification

Uncle Gary,

I need clarification before Yelp thinks I’m reviewing a criminal enterprise.

I went for my very first massage today. The therapist, an older Asian lady, had me fully undress, get under the sheets, and then promptly ignored the sheets like they were optional décor.

By the time she told me to flip over, I had… let’s call it a very enthusiastic reaction from all the inner-thigh attention. And look, I wasn’t there for anything “extra,” but she was doing things that definitely woke up the nervous system. At one point, she practically draped her thighs across my face while reaching over me.

So now I’m wondering: is this the kind of spa that only exists in the wilder corners of Craigslist?

Signed, First Timer

Dear First Timer,

Oh Man… welcome to the world of professional touch, surprise plot twists, and the occasional “Is this how I die?” moment on a massage table.

First, let me ease your mind: Your body did exactly what bodies do. You’re not broken, creepy, perverted, or headed for a confession booth. You’re a human being with a pulse and nerve endings. Sometimes the elevator goes up on its own. It’s biology, not intent, relax.

Now… about the massage.

A real, reputable spa keeps you draped like you’re starring in a mummy documentary. What you described? That’s… let’s just say it leans a little “off menu.” When the sheet gets treated like a suggestion, and the therapist is using your face as a yoga block, that’s not exactly Spa Day at the Four Seasons.

And the inner-thigh festival you endured? That’s typically on the “absolutely not” list in professional massage unless it’s medically necessary or you’ve signed paperwork that includes the phrase “athlete.”

So yes, you might’ve wandered into the type of establishment that advertises “stress relief” with suspicious quotation marks.

Here’s the good news: You’re safe, you learned something, and your next massage (at a legitimate place) will feel like heaven by comparison. Look up licensed therapists with real reviews, not the ones that say “ask for Mimi, she is very friendly 😉.”

Take a deep breath. You’re fine. Just chalk this up to your origin story.

Smart people seek wisdom, not approval.

Uncle Gary